Nostalgijos horizontalė

Tas nuostabus jausmas, kai rudenio pavakarę važiuoji greitkeliu ir užeina audra.
Žinai kuo man patinka audra?
Nes kelias nusidažo tamsiai pilka spalva, javų laukai žaižaruoja auksinėmis spalvomis, dangus apsitraukia juodais debesimis ir aplink matyti tik staigūs žaibų blyksniai, apšviečiantys kiekvieną žmogaus šešėlį. Ir taip bežiūrint staiga prisimeni vaikystę, kai lietaus lašai palengva skinasi kelią automobilio lange, o tu suspaudęs lūpą lauki, kuris lašelis greičiau kirs finišo tiesiąją. O tuo tarpu visos gatvės ištuštėja ir viskas trumpam apmiršta, net ir laikas, regis, pamažu sustoja. Tuomet žodžiai liejasi ant suglamžyto popieriaus lapo, o širdies dūžiai susitapatina su lietaus lašų kuriamu ritmu. Belieka tik lietaus nusieti langai, pro kuriuos liejasi užvedamų mašinų lemputės, gaiviai kvepiančios aplietos gatvės ir tyro vėjo pliūpsnis atskriejantis į tavo nostalgijos kupiną veidą.

Is it..?

There is something different about it now.
Don’t you see?
A secret little world we had created is abandoned now. No outspokenness, no conviction, not even a flash of life. Maybe it’s just in our heads or maybe we are too scared to accept the fact that we made mistakes in the past which ruined our little secret world. So if you could think of one more reason why it happened, without the fate of life, please, tell me. It could be the only one antidote of alienation.

Are you alive or just existing?

You’re sitting in the room with your family,
You’re going forwards in a shop with a crowd,
You watch people passing by, while sitting on a bench in a city center,
You’re talking with your friends at a cafe,
You hear screams of children in a playground,
You’re trying to find a loose space in a public transport,
You’re moving in the rhythm of your favorite music at the concert.

And suddenly everything stops. Do you know this feeling? When everything moves around you, except yourself.

TV is still on in that room, where your family follows the news,
People are hustling near discounted goods trying to convince themselves that they really need these items,
People in the city are still rushing with their own problems,
Your friends at the coffee are still discussing what happened yesterday,
Children continue making noise in the yard because they cannot share their toys,
People are getting on and getting out at the new bus stop,
Lyrics of the song deeper and deeper penetrates into your heart.

But you are not taking part in any of these actions. You are stuck. You get stuck by your thoughts, feelings, opinions but not by your sight. You see the environment but you are not part of this action. The sound goes down. You only hear reduced background noise, the view gets blurred. Are you lost or exactly in your place? Frustrated or endlessly happy? Are you disconnected from the reality by your thoughts, or just enjoying every single minute?

And all of a sudden, everything gets faster again. The noise is getting louder, the image becomes clear and you’re a part of it again.
Is this a pause of time or just a part of true yourself?

Abandoned world

Alien places, which once seemed homey. Lonely corners, that once were full of another’s laugh.  Everything that surrounds you are just used tea bags, dirty tissues and dead leaves. The entirety seems to be mangled puzzle pieces lost by certain people.

Formerly it died and everything I did was smile. Simply from the fact that these places are left alive just in my mind, emitting a mysterious abomination externally. Its without life, forgotten and buried. Without warmth, human feelings and thoughts. Only dark loneliness. This is something already borrowed that can not be given back.

These are unwritten and unread promises by the souls of young people, heard only by wreckage and lonely nature.

And that is just another day full of deleted unread emails, packed bags and blood pressure that lets you feel alive again.

You will ask what is it? It is just a simple world illusion.

Svetimos vietos, kurios kadaise atrodė savos. Vieniši užkampiai, kurie kadaise skambėjo kitų juoku. Viskas kas supa tave tėra panaudoti arbatos pakeliai, purvinos nosinės, numirę medžių lapai. Viskas atrodo tarsi išdarkytos puzlės detalės, pamestos skirtingų žmonių. 

Kadaise visa tai mirė, o aš šypsojaus. Vien dėl to, kad šios vietos liko gyvos tik mano mintyse, skleidžiančios šiurpią mistiką išorėje. Jos be gyvybės, užmirštos ir palaidotos. Be šilumos, žmonių jausmų, minčių. Tai tamsi vienatvė. Tai likę kažkas, kas jau paskolinto, ko nebegali susigrąžinti.

Tai jaunų sielų nebeužrašyti ir neperskaityti pažadai, išgirsti tik griūnančių sienų ir vienišos gamtos. 

Ir tai tik dar viena diena su ištrintais net neskaitytais laiškais, sukrautais lagaminais ir smarkiu kraujo sruvenimu tavo kūne, leidžiančiu bent kiek pasijusti gyvam.

Paklausi kas tai? Tai tik paprasta pasaulio iliuzija.

 

 

Humanity < Materiality

Somebody asked me how the world changes. And all I could think of was the change of humanity.

Why?

Because lifestyle is much faster nowadays that most of people need everything that is fast, short-term and useful only for them. Similarly is with other people who are slowly becoming an object with a certain price at the others sight. Most of them look at others without any respect. Even in communication, there is no feelings or respect, only animal instinct and satisfaction. And the saddest part is that there is lack of understanding about equality and more important that all are humans, not items or goods.

All evaluating glances, that do not disappear from silly faces, judging, aspiration to use a person. Finally, the imagination makes everything true that is not even real in daily routine. Then there comes a self-annihilation even without having something meaningful to show, arrogance, the desire to derogate ordinary people.

There is too much tangibility in the world. A luxury car, a bank account full of money, an apartment in the city center, where every night you wake up with a new person, bars, one-time night-time adventures, and all this makes nonsense absurdity. Is it normal?

Only knowing such things does an alienation appear. Sight at a person and not recognizing him becomes usual. And then you feel freakin’ empty inside even having everything in your life you ever wanted.

Clockwise

They said everything is moving along the clockwise direction. Challenges from which we escaped, opportunities that we did not evaluate, desires and dreams we strangled. All those experiences that trigger nostalgia, they also turn around the clock. Even forgotten they revive in dreams we can not escape. Crowds of faces that we can not remember. And that running from the memories, from people, life stages is just a running from yourself. And the illusion created by a new environment, crowds of strangers, they do not create a new you, only creates a new look into the world.

Stranger things

A day when you have become a stranger to the world, or the world has become a stranger to you. Mirror reflections falsifies reality and the eyes fail to identify lies. But why do we play these games? We know that nothing will happen, but we allow ourselves to be controlled by life.  Every evening creates memories and quietly buries our minds. Feelings awaken by alcohol, meaningless talks, endless thoughts. But whether only evenings are capable to do that? Probably. Because when the daylight comes, we ironically forget to greet. There is none of us, and sadly, it never existed. It’s just another day, when you have become a stranger to the world, or the world has become a stranger to you…

Diena, kai tu tapai svetimas pasauliui, arba pasaulis tapo svetimas tau. Veidrodžių atspindžiai tau klastoja realybę, o akys negeba atpažinti melo. Bet kodėl gi mes žaidžiam šiuos žaidimus? Žinome, jog nieko nebus, bet leidžiamės valdomi gyvenimo.  Kiekvienas vakaras kuria prisiminimus ir tyliai juos užmaršina mūsų mintyse. Sužadinti alkoholio jausmai, bereikšmės kalbos, begalinės mintys. Tačiau ar tai geba tik vakarai? Tikriausiai. Nes atėjus dienos šviesai, mes ironiškai pamirštam pasisveikint. Čia mūsų nėra, kaip deja, niekada ir nebuvo. Diena, kai tu tapai svetimas pasauliui, arba pasaulis tapo svetimas tau…

STORYTIME: A train plunged into darkness.

Imagine a trip that lasts in a dark tunnel all the time .

You board the train when you are six years old and you have twelve years of driving in that tunnel. The first five years is like a fun trip with people who look like your friends. Later, the other three years is a little different. You get closer only with a certain number of people, but the journey still does not prolong . After three years you have to change the train, because the old one has already achieved its destination. But there are too many people, that wouldn’t fit into one train, so everyone boards the first occurring train. When your friends get into the one, you cannot fit there because it is too crowded. So you just board the other train without thinking much about it. You imagine it is not a big deal and with new ‘friends’ you travel along for another 4 years. Firstly it is fine: new people, new impressions. But after one year, you realize that these people are not suitable for you, you move off and try with others. Year passes but these new people betray you and you stay single again, but now you start missing the old days.

With nostalgia and several people drowned in their thoughts, you drive into the distance. The tenth year begins. At the end, the train suddenly reaches verification point wherein those who do not have personal documents are removed. Everybody suffers from the fear and stress on trying to find their documents. Fortunately, no one is removed from the train and another two years of the journey begins.

Those years are full of darkness. You sit alone with your thoughts and all the people around you slander, condemns, frustrates you, but you carry on trying to think only about how fast the time passes by and the end of the unblest trip is inexorably approaching. And finally the last year appears. The train is not that crowded anymore. It is approaching the verification point again, but this time it is more important. This time they will ask you to describe what you saw through all the years of traveling. You need to emphasize every detail. If you fail, you stay on the train and restart the whole trip. And suddenly it ends. You see happy people who noticed the sun after so many years again expand to fields. Now everyone are for themselves. Some of them face the disaster just got out of the train, others more cautious, and maybe with some blessing, make off. And behold, everybody scatters across the world, from time to time accidentally meeting each other and nodding heads for one another as giving the understanding, that we all went through it together. Another life journey.